Feelings

When you have no emotions
You just feel like your there
Sitting on this planet looking out
Out into this world full of strangers
When I see people walking by the house
I wonder what their lives are like
I think about what happens in this world
I think about what will happen next
What will happen to them
What will happen to me
Will it be bad?
will it be good?
I dont know
But what I do know is that things change
People change
The world changes for the good or bad
This world is different
More different than I remember
It will never be the same again
It makes me sad to know that it's not good anymore
To know that this world used to be good
But now it's not a good place at all
What is this world becoming? 





My life and what having depression is like for me

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 and since then my life hasn't really been easy at all. I was put on anti-depressants when I was diagnosed with depression and to this day I am still taking the anti-depressants. The anti-depressants my doctor has put me on since I have been diagnosed are Wellbutrin, Effexor, Lexapro, and Zoloft. The only anti-depressant that really works for me is Zoloft. I honestly wouldn't recommend Effexor and Wellbutrin to anyone because Effexor made me so tired that I fell asleep in class and couldn't even stay awake and Wellbutrin didn't work worth crap. I hope sometime soon to be able to slowly back myself down off of my anti-depressant and never have to take it again because over the years I have learned how to control myself. My boyfriend has also helped me so much with my depression. Before I met him I used to constantly sleep, rarely leave my house, hardly ever eat, barely ever talk to anyone, rarely ever come out of my room. Now that he is in my life I've started eatting again, sleeping when I'm suppose to, leaving my house more often, laughing and smiling, and getting out of my room way more. 

Getting Help

Getting help isn't as easy as you think. It may be easy to find a psychologist, counselor, or psychiatrist but it's not as easy as you think to get an appointment with them. Especially to get an appointment with a good one. Most of the time you're just in their office for 15-20 minutes then your done with the appointment. Me on the other hand...I pretty much just told them what they wanted to hear just so I could get out of their office faster because to be honest I really didn't want to be there. I went to so many of them and honestly just really hated them because none of them even understood me and what I was going through. All I wanted was for someone to understand me but none of them did. You can't understand someone until you've actually been through what their going through or what they've gone through or even try to see things through their eyes. That's what they never did. All they did was put me on meds or give me crappy suggestions on what I should do that they thought would help. They didn't care about me, all they cared about was pretty much seeing how quich they could get me out of their office.  

Thinking the easy way out is the best

Sometimes when you get depressed to the point where all you want is for the sadness and misery to go away, you sometimes think that killing yourself might just be the best way. Well it's not the best way because believe me I know. Maybe at that one certain moment in time you may not be thinking of how many people will miss you when your gone. Maybe you're possibly thinking everyone will be just better off without you but they wont be because even though you may not think they care, they care a whole lot more than you think. I've been there and done that with trying to kill myself and it scared my parents and grandparents. I never realized how much they cared about me until I tried to kill myself. The only thing I was thinking was that they will be better off without me and things will just go back to the way they used to be when I was little.

Being A Loner

Being a loner isn't the easiest thing in the world to be. You get judged all the time everywhere you go. I know this because I was and still am a loner to this day. All through middle school and high school I was a loner. Everyone judged me and made fun of me 24/7 for it. I had very few friends if any at all. My only true friend was Alyssa who I've known all my life and now I hardly ever talk or see her because I barely even have time to. In high school I would always sit away from everyone during lunch. I had choir class Monday, Wednesday, Friday that lasted for most of my lunch period and at one point I got so depressed that I just lost all interest in singing. I had gotten a cold sometime during the Fall and was able to sing but not able to hit the high notes due to me being a Soprano 1 which made me get depressed because I really liked to sing so I just sat there in class for a few days and at the end of class on the third day of not singing my teacher told me I was making up every excuse not to sing so I decided to skip choir class for the next 3 times and almost got In-School-Retention.

Positive Ways to Cope With Depression

There are a lot of positive ways to help make you feel better when your depressed. Here are just a few of those ways:

• Getting out of the house and taking a walk because a change in scenery is always good as opposed to being coped up in the house all the time
• Start a journal or diary to express how you feel instead of keeping all your emotions bottled up inside all the time
• Painting or drawing is a good way to express yourself when your feeling depressed also 





Negative Ways People Cope with Depression

There are so many ways people cope with depression. Not everyone copes with depression the same way. Here are some ways people may choose to cope with depression

• Sleeping a lot
• Cutting themselves off from the outside world (e.g., rarely leaving home or barely ever coming out of their bedrooms)
• In some cases self-mutilation
• Indulging in comfort foods frequently
• Consuming alcohol
• Illegal drugs such as marijuana

Shining light on The Life of Depression

Who Am I?

My name is Nicole Wagner. I'm 18 and currently a student at Columbus State Community College. When I was 13 I was diagnosed with depression so having personal experience with this and knowing what it's like to have to live in a massive world filled with so many judgemental people is mainly what has driven me to start this blog in the first place.

So my blog is here to focus on letting others who have depression know they aren't alone.

What I know

Most of what I know is from personal experience but a little of what I know is from reading stuff in books and what my pediatrician has told me about depression too.

• I know that so many people get judged everyday by people just by being loners or being sad because it comes with the territory of having depression. 
• Sometimes having depression can lead to sleeping a lot, rarely eating, poor hygiene, in some cases self-harm, etc.
• Depression also can be caused by a multitude of different things such as different disabilities(e.g.,learning,mental),loss of a family member, loss of a pet, etc.

What I Don't know

Although I have lots of personal experience with depression there's still a whole lot of stuff I still want to learn about it.

• I don't know a lot of the medications that are given to someone who has depression other than the medications I have already been prescribed.
• A lot of different disabilities that can possibly cause depression

What I Hope To Learn

• How to cope with depression better
• The various medications for depression
• Disabilities that can cause depression
• More reasons why people have depression

3 Interesting Facts About Me

• I think this would be classified more as a weird obsession rather than an interesting fact but I get emotionally attached to my flip flops. Well basically what I mean when I say "emotionally attached to my flip flops" is like right now with my Paul Frank monkey flip flips that I wear constantly. I have so many other pairs of flip flops but I refuse to wear any other pairs of my flip flops but my Paul Frank flip flops. As pathetic as this may sound, I'm so emotionally attached to my flip flops that the last time that I had to get rid of a pair of my flip flops I threw a mini funeral for them infront of the trash can before throwing them out
• When I was 13 I started cutting myself and continued cutting on and off until May 2010. Back then I used to think I was cutting to make my pain and misery go away but it wasnt until sometime after I turned 17 that I realized that the only reason I was cutting was to get my parents attention. It got their attention just not in a good way. My parents and friends tried to get me to stop cutting but I wouldn't listen to them. After I met my boyfriend he made me promise him that I would never cut myself ever again because he knew how much it would hurt my parents if they lost me if one time I cut too deep and couldnt make it stop bleeding and there was no one there to help me.
• I have an iPod Touch that I'm absolutely obsessed with downloading and playing applications on. I never leave home without my iPod because I never know how long I'll be gone so I always have it with me for entertainment purposes.